What’s your gym face?

Blessed are those who come in for Zumba with hair open. Tumbling masses of curls and long silky tresses are let loose on face, neck and forehead, that then mix with sweat and get sticky. Men are as prone to the open-mane look as women, so that Rapunzel locks coiling around Adam’s apples are as common as women pouting through fringes.

Most exercises, especially those involving dumbbells, elicit groans and moans that sound suspiciously like coitus. A quick look at the moaner or groaner, unfortunately, leaves a lasting image in the viewer’s head – of the former during his/her most intimate moments. Usually, the viewer is in no position to view, busy as he/she is with his/her own set of exercises which are providing him/her with his/her own set of ‘bedroom’ expressions.

There is also the exerciser who has invested in designer track-pants and still remembers the price tag. Their face takes on a credit card-like consistency; ‘Look what I can afford.’ They instantly make our own well-worn T-shirts and tights feel so, so old.

In dance exercise classes of special mention are the awkward bumblers. Jerkily they do their own thing, which has them trot to the left when the entire class dips to the right. They throw out a leg with a whoop while others bend an elbow. It is not their wrong step that brings up a feeling of tenderness in the others, it is their utter trust in their own gracefulness.

The worst are those who think it a promise to God that they smile at all times. So mid-twist, mid-turn, mid-toss, mid-tumble their smile stays put. It is a little disconcerting to those facing them to witness this seemingly 24/7 amiability. The Smilers are most at risk of being the teacher’s pet. They rush up to the front of the class, diligently obey orders, laugh hysterically at trainer’s jokes and gather like dogs for petting when class ends. They believe there’s a separate heaven for those who work out.